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[26 Nov 2009|03:12am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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Blue Water Blue Sky - Guilty Gear X2 OST |
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Blah blah blah!
And suddenly...
BUT THEN...
Of course...
Ergo...
Yet...
Mmm... Hmm...!!
There's a girl on my mind,
she's intelligent and funny,
bubbly and optimistic,
and an amazing writer~
I wonder who it is...?
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[18 May 2009|06:35pm] |
I cut my hair today.
Donated it to Locks for Love.
It's not the only thing I've severed.
Good bye, good bye, old me.
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[15 Dec 2008|04:34am] |
I'll keep looking out for you, lovely lady,
even if you don't appreciate a word,
I won't wait around for you forever, young lady,
cuz this ain't love, no no, it's just absurd.
Blah! I can't sleep T_T
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| The Return of the Jedi |
[09 Dec 2008|03:47pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 |
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I haven't written in here in quite a while. I think it's because I reflected back on my last few entries and realized that I hadn't changed much from the dramatic, pity-party throwing kid I was back in high school. I really wanted to finally move on and grow up before posting in here again. I think I can safely say I've done so.
Life's been... peaceful. Sort of. As peaceful as life can be, I suppose. I'm still taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, but they help me get through the day and help me focus during my classes, so it's a great boost.
My writing's gone through the roof in terms of style, content, and skill. I've gotten great reviews from my professors about the improvements in my writing, and it's been a huge ego boost. Self-confidence is at an all-time high, and I'm working on several projects simultaneously, so that I don't get bored and burned out with just one piece. A memoir, a collection of poetry, and a collection of short stories. It's going to be a lot of writing and revision, but I'm glad to be doing something worthwhile.
Love life is still non-existent.
Family life is nice and peaceful. No arguments, no fighting, nothing. It's nice. The house has reached this equilibrium in emotion and temper. It's calm and refreshing.
I don't know what else to say, besides the fact that I'm looking forward to winter break, and to all the writing I plan on finishing before I graduate in the next year or so. I'm taking my time in college~
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[16 Mar 2008|07:08pm] |
When I stop to think about it
I realize the awful truth:
I miss Erin,
not just for the sake
of being happy again,
or finding what went wrong.
Just... miss her, as a person,
as a friend.
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[01 Mar 2008|02:02am] |
It's another one of those sleepless nights
where all I think about is Erin
and how it could have been
and what should have been
if we both tried
instead of just me
pulling one end of the rope
against a sea of troubles.
I want so much to hear her voice again,
but I know it won't be the same.
She's not the person I fell in love with.
Wherever she is,
I hope she's happy.
And taken care of.
I'd rather that,
than both of us
be the way I am
now,
bitter,
alone,
impatient,
a foil of who I was
back then.
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[02 May 2007|10:48am] |
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"Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself?"
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[26 Apr 2007|01:47am] |
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Taking a stroll at two in the morning allowed me to do some introspection. It allowed me to think for once. I know you're never going to read this, but I wanted it to come out, just for once, instead of holding my thoughts in. I was never any good at holding my emotions in, either, so I guess this is a tribute to that as well. I was sitting after class the other day, just enjoying the feeling of the wind brushing up against my face. I don't know why, but I was reminded of one of my treasured memories with you: the first time I held you at the beach, with the wind blowing against us, and how you smiled at me. No words were necessary then. Its stupid, my friends say, for me to hold on to this for as long as I have. I don't think anyone can truly understand how much you mean to me. Its hard to understand. Really. I keep getting asked, "What makes you love her still?" I can't answer. Because truthfully, all I have left of what used to be are memories. Memories which will eventually fade, unless I write them down, which I've been trying to do, for so long. I can publish a book's worth in letters to you. My emotions for you border on the irrational. Yet that's what I've always been... irrational.
I can't give my emotions to anyone else. I don't want to try anymore.
Its been almost a year. A long, difficult year.
I give up.
I give up.
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[17 Apr 2007|01:35am] |
I know its late but
Happy Birthday Michelle!
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[15 Apr 2007|08:01pm] |
As long as you're happy.
Then maybe, just maybe, its worth it.
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[10 Apr 2007|03:15am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Coldplay - Yellow |
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Its been almost an entire year now.
I looked at old pictures and my heart swelled.
But at the same time I wanted to weep. To just let it all out.
But I can't. I've literally spent so much time crying that I just can't anymore.
I just let the pain in my chest be. Its a reminder. A daily reminder.
"Loneliness"
Reminding me.
"Loneliness"
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[08 Apr 2007|06:52pm] |
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I'm emotionally fucked. I think... I don't know what I want. I'm tired of trying to find love or trying to find acceptance. I just want to BE for once. I just want to be me. To be accepted for being ME.
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[05 Apr 2007|02:14pm] |
Yup... that's pretty much the last straw.
Never opening myself up to others, ever again. EVER.
-Edit-
Its hard enough for me to trust people as it is, without my having to open up and then getting a slap to the face.
I found out to day my mom has breast cancer.
And that my dad might have colon problems.
I need to start drinking again. I've been sober for way too long. And if I have to go back to that then so be it. As long as in the end I can scrape through each day alive, then whatever scars I have to take along the way will be worth it.
Whatever gets me through the day, right? Whatever gets me through the day.
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[03 Apr 2007|12:15am] |
19 Years.
Happy Birthday to me.
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[29 Mar 2007|12:29am] |
Fuck next week.
And if you know what's coming next week,
and you do something, anything, about it,
I'll be pissed.
~Edit~
My happiness for yours.
Same fucking phrase
going through cycles
over and fucking over.
Something so god damn
self-less;
for what?
~Edit Edit~
It sounds so stupid
and so untrue...
but in reality
I just want you to be happy.
Truly.
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[26 Mar 2007|01:55pm] |
A Lover's Embrace
She holds him, tightly, almost to the point of squeezing the life from his very bones. There's a sense of despair, of lost hope, as if she clings to something, anything, to keep it there for as long as possible. As she lays her head on his shoulder, she closes her eyes and breathes deeply, trying to capture the scent of the moment, trying to paint a portrait in her memories, using smell as her colors, pastels, and oils. She purses her lips, as if she has a secret, but it slowly forms into a smile, weary but loving, and the secret is lost, drowned in this emotional torrent. She pushes herself into him, but at the same time holds back, as if she was trying to retain a sense of innocence, a portion, perhaps a figure of her long-gone virginity. Her arms are wrapped around his waist, and she struggles to compose herself, relying on him as her center of gravity, as if without him, she would fall, and her entire world would crumble in it's wake. She gently rubs her cheek against his shoulder, her sign of affection, as if to say, "I missed having you." Her body is still, in an effort to mold with him, in an effort to fuse herself into him with such wanton passion that even if she were lost forever, she would be content as long as she was within him.
Note: I was out walking a couple nights ago because I couldn't sleep. I sat under a street light near 163rd (remember I live in Ives Dairy, I took a long ass walk) and wrote this. Random writing for the lose.
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[23 Mar 2007|06:56am] |
"To sleep, or not to sleep, that is the question:
Wether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of this insomnia,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die - to sleep,
Once more; and by a sleep say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That hearts are heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream - ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
Must give us pause - there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life..."
~Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1 (early rough draft version of the play, when Shakespeare was going through insomnia)
In the past 3-4 days, I must've gotten at the most, 4-5 hours of sleep.
Please put me to sleep. Shoot me with a tranquilizer dart. Anything. Please.
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[20 Mar 2007|10:50pm] |
Just another one of those "I wish I would drop dead" kind of days.
Fucking shit.
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[19 Mar 2007|08:45pm] |
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What does it all mean?
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